The Sally Parable
[We see the camera panning over the Dunn house, through the window, and towards Sally who is playing happily in her bedroom]
Narrator: This is the story of a girl named Sally.
[Sally drops her dolls in shock, and looks around, looking for the narrator]
Narrator: Sally lived in a big house with her family. Her job was simple: to keep her family happy.
Sally: Who said that!?
Narrator: Some kids may have found it difficult to care so much for their families, but Sally relished every day of it, as though she had been made exactly for this job. And Sally was happy.
[Sally bolts from the room and down to the kitchen where Robert and Linda are eating lunch]
Sally (frightened): You two have got to help me!
Linda (concerned): What's wrong?
Sally: There's this voice. It... knows my name and it's saying stuff about me.
[Linda makes a cuckoo expression back to Robert]
Robert: Right.... oh by the way, this package came in for you today...
[Robert hands Sally a package]
Narrator: Oh what luck! This package was full of Sally's favorite candies. There were chocolates with every filling of the rainbow. She had been waiting weeks for this package to arrive.
Narrator: But she was such a good kid and Robert and Linda were such good grown-ups that she decided to give them their fair share.
[Sally looks up to space and starts shouting while Robert and Linda legitimately look concerned]
Sally: What!? These are my favorites! I don't want to share! I want to eat them all right now!
[Sally puts one in her mouth and starts chewing]
Narrator: Little did Sally know that the candies tasted like rotten fish heads
[Sally starts spitting them out in disgust]
Robert: What's wrong Sally? Those are your favorite.
Sally: The voice in my head is evil!
[Sally runs outside in panic]
Linda: Do—do you think we should call someone about this?
Robert: Nah, I'm sure she'll work through this on her own.
[We cut to outside in the yard where Sally is looking through bushes, etc trying to find the narrator]
Narrator: While Sally was playing a game of hide and seek with herself she soon came to the realization that she had tickets to go see a movie today.
Sally: Wait, what?
Narrator: It was a movie about some of the cutest ponies in existance with a soundtrack by the band Eternity Forever.
Sally: Okay... then, if you're offering, Mr. Crazy Voice.
[Sally gets into the car]
Narrator: But then Sally felt guilty going to the movies without Robert or Linda.
[Sally angrily opens the car door]
Sally: Fine! I will go bring Linda and Robert along, if it will get you to leave me alone!
Narrator: Unfortunately the movie was rated Kids Only. To bring them to the theater would mean seeing a grown-up movie.
[Sally closes the door and begins driving off. We cut to see her in the theater of the movie with a growing look of frustation.]
Narrator: And the feelings of guilt nagged at her soul. Her thoughts of her parents sitting sad and alone were so loud she could barely hear the movie.
Sally: WOULD YOU SHUT UP!?
[We see a moviegoer talking to an attendant]
Narrator: The thoughts of guilt even caused Sally to shout at nothing.
Movie Attendant: Sorry ma'am, but I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
Sally: Can people stop telling me what to do!? It's really starting to make me mad!
[We cut to see Sally getting tossed out of the theater]
Narrator: Sally's face may have been full of mud, but at least her heart was no longer filled with guilt.
Sally: Two can play this game! Mr. Creepy-voice guy kept trying to tell Sally what to do, but his voice went out.
Narrator: Sally was so frustated she shouted at the heavens, but nothing seemed to happen.
Sally: Mr. Creepy-voice realized he can keep talking, but that doesn't mean that Sally will ever have to listen to him.
Narrator: And as Sally shouted to the heavens kids watched on and laughed to themselves about her strange behavior. It was almost as if she'd gone crazy.
Sally: I haven't gone crazy! You're making me go crazy!
Narrator: Perhaps if Sally followed the path laid out for her things would work better in the long run.
Sally: But this is my life! I can do whatever I want with it!
Narrator: And in all of Sally's insane ramblings she didn't have time to notice Talula walking by with camera in hand.
[Sally immediately goes quiet and looks around. She sees Talula passing by quietly, and yes, has camera in hand]
Sally: Okay, what did you want me to do?
Narrator: Sally knew that if she made the right choices then everything would work out.
Sally: They aren't really my choices if I'm not the one making them, right?
Narrator: Sally thought she could be a really good lawyer. But it's hard to be a good lawyer with bird poop on your head.
[We fade to black as we hear something land on Sally and she screams]
[We cut to see Sally back in her room, after a recent shower.]
Sally: Alright... what do you want me to do?
Narrator: After ditching Robert and Linda for the movies, she decided it would be best to help with their homework as a way of saying that she was sorry.
Sally: Fine [grumbles, grumbles]
Narrator: But being in such a grumpy mood about it had her miss the loose nail in the hallway and fall down the stairs.
[We hear crash after crash as the camera shakes about. We cut to see Sally downstairs, fallen over with comical injuries. Robert and Linda come running]
Robert: Sally! Are you alright!?
Sally: Yup! I was just... just gonna help you with your homework.
[Robert and Linda look at each other nervously]
Robert: Yeah, I think we should take her to a doctor now.
Narrator: Sally knew that if Robert and Linda took her to a doctor, they would most certainly take her to the nut house.
Sally: But... I don't like nuts in my chocolate!
Linda: How are you doing Sally?
[Sally stands up and brushes herself off]
Sally: I'm doing fine. One-hundred percent, absolutely fine.
Robert: And the "crazy voice" from before?
Sally: I... I was just playing a game. There's no voice. And it's definitely not holding me hostage and making me help you with your homework.
Narrator: Sally thought that she had outsmarted the crazy voices in her head, she had an absurdly high opinion on herself. But the plan was put to the test when Linda asked one simple question.
Linda: That's good, so what's going to be for dinner?
Narrator: The answer was simple: brocolli soup, the healthiest of foods.
[Sally has the most terrified expression on her face. She is reviling in horror]
Sally: It's—it's a surprise. Now if you'll please excuse me, I have to use the bathroom.
[Sally dashes into the bathroom]
Narrator: Sally may have had to go, but she knew she had to make it quick. There was homework to be done and brocolli to stew.
Sally: Are you nuts!? I don't even know how to cook brocolli soup!
Narrator: Sally told herself in doubt. She didn't seem to realize that that didn't stop her from cooking cakes, cookies, and the like.
[Sally looks up angrily]
Sally: I'll pretend I didn't hear that. Besides we don't even have any brocolli.
Narrator: Sally thought, but then she realized she had forgotten to check the third cabinet to the left of the sink.
Sally: You're not going to make this easy for me, are you?
[We cut to see kitchen. Robert and Linda are looking on rather concerned. The camera cuts to show Sally in a hazmat suit]
Robert: So, Sally, what'cha up to?
Sally: Cooking. Get out of the kitchen. Now.
[Robert and Linda run out of the kitchen in panic. Sally starts looking through cupboards]
Sally: Alright, fine, I'll play your stupid game. Just so you know, a game is terrible unless everyone involved is having fun.
Narrator: Sally continued to talk to no one in particular to distract herself from creating her latest cullinary masterpiece.
Sally: Hey, I thought that my cooking was terrible. How can I make a masterpiece if I'm a terrible cook?
Narrator: Sally asked, completely forgetting what being a lawyer did to her earlier.
Sally: UGH! Fine!
Narrator: But perhaps there's another way to shut her up... the brocolli was finally ready to taste.
Sally: Um... Linda...?
Narrator: No, that just wouldn't do. She wanted to make sure that this particular mean was spectacular! And the only way she could do that was by tasting it!
Sally: No. [She stomps down her foot]
Sally: I'm not going to do it. You can't make me.
Narrator: But... that's how the story is supposed to go...
Sally: Well, I'm the wrong girl for the job, because I will NEVER do something so disgusting. What kind of narrator makes their characters do something like this?
Narrator: B-but, it's my story.
Sally: Yeah, and it's a cruddy one.
Narrator: But... it's a masterpiece. It's a powerful story about redemption in the plight of—
Sally: No, it's a story about me being a jerk for no reason and then having me make up to Robert and Linda despite the fact I haven't learned anything.
Narrator: But... the candies...?
Sally: You do know that Linda doesn't even like candies, and Robbie's favorites are caramels, right?
Sally: And for someone who threw movie tickets my way about a movie that was highly exaggerated doesn't know that there's nothing good for grown-ups playing right now. Also, those were NOT the cutest ponies I've ever seen.
Narrator: But... but....
Sally: I mean, if Robert and Linda called me out on my behavior I would have an opportunity to learn something! If you want a good story, stop holding me hostage and let me do my own thing! Now get out of my head!
Narrator: Alright... fine. I can see that I'm not wanted.
Sally: Whew... that was... weird. Now what do I do with this pot of brocolli?
[Gilligan cut to Sally on the phone]
Sally: Yes emergency services, we've got a toxic substance in our kitchen. Please get rid of it as soon as possible.
[We open up on the sound of a mock alarm clock (it makes cute sounds instead of the buzzing that alarm clocks usually make). Linda wakes up. We see a short montage. She passes by Robert's empty room while wearing pajamas. She passes by Timmy & Sally's empty room while brushing her teeth. She's passing the empty living room while fixing her hair. Linda enters the kitchen]
Linda: What's for breakfast Sally?
[The camera pans across the kitchen. It's a mess with the faucet going off and overflowing the skin, but there is no one else to be seen. She enters Robert's room]
Linda: Robbie, have you seen—
[His room is empty too. The only thing there is the wind blowing the curtains of his open window eerily.]
Linda: I guess not. Maybe they went out somewhere. Why would they do that on a school day?
[Linda is hit with realization]
Linda: Oh yeah! I gotta get to school!
[We cut to her standing outside impatiently, tapping her feet. She looks at her watch, and it shows 10:30]
[Linda gives an audible groan of annoyance and looks around quickly in embarrasment, hoping no one heard it. But once again we get a pan of no one out there]
Linda: W—where is everyone?
[She's walking down the street, which looks like something right out of a post-apocalypse with cars just randomly stopped in the middle of the road. Linda looks at things confusedly]
Linda: [Seriously] Well, nothing's changed here. They should really make a law about parking in the middle of the street.
[We cut to her entering the school]
Linda: Huh... no one is here either...
[We see Kathy's classroom empty]
Linda: Miss Kathy!?
[We see the principal's office empty]
Linda: Principal James?
[Linda starts walking through the principal's office]
Linda: W—where is everyone? [Getting nervous] This feels like an episode of that show that Sally won't let me watch. Guess I don't have to worry about that anymore...
[She chuckles nervously, and places her hand on the intercom button. The last few words echo about the school]
Linda: Huh... the intercom...
[She chuckles to herself again, and picks it up. As Linda starts talking, we see her words echo about the empty school]
Linda: Hello Summerway School, this is your new principal. Today's lunch has been changed from a chocolate pudding cake to lobster with a side of brocolli, and you all get 100 percent on your homework from last night.
[We cut to Linda relaxing in the princpal's chair]
Linda: On second thought, you know what, I think that school is cancelled for today. No, you know what it's cancelled for the rest of the week, and we'll see how things go from there. You grown-ups work hard and you need a vacation.
Linda: [To herself] Well you heard the principal, it's time for a vacation. Let's go!
[She tries to escape the principal's chair, but she finds that she's stuck because it's too small]
Linda: [Flattly] As soon as I get out of this chair.
[We cut to Linda walking through the street]
Linda: Hmmm.... what does Sally and Timmy never let me do?
[There's an extremely dangerous construction zone in the background that looks like it would make an obsticle course]
Linda: What do they not let me do...?
[She passes by an all-you-can eat candy buffet]
Linda: Ah-ha! That's it!
[The camera pans on the Summerway Museum]
Linda: Yes! I can't wait to see what kind of great art that Summerway has!
[Inside the museum, all of the paintings are simple crayon drawings or finger paintings of very basic things (stick figures, ponies, houses) and all of the statues are made of brick toys. In valuable display cases there are toys]
Linda: [Flatly] I honestly didn't know what I was expecting.
[She looks at one of the simple drawings]
Linda: Hmmm, but that painting does look like it needs a bit of a touch-up.
[Some time passes and the museum is filled with actual art]
Linda: Much better. Well, that was a fun way to spend an hour. What else can I do? It's gotta be something fun... something spontaneous... something that I don't usually get to do.
[Gilligan cut to her playing a video game, boredly on the couch]
Linda: Well, that was a wash. I've composed three songs, ate all of the vegetables in the house, and made a formula for interdimensional space travel and it hasn't lasted me to dinner.
[One of Sally's teddy bears falls off of a shelf]
Linda: Sally was that you!?
[She walks over to it and scoops it over]
Linda: No, it's Mr. Snuggles. The fall didn't hurt you too badly did it?
[The bear looks back blankly]
Linda: Oh, well that's kinda bad. Are you going to be alright?
[The bear looks back blankly]
Linda: Oh jeeze, I'd better help you then.
[We cut to her putting gauze on the bear]
Linda: There we go, you should be feeling better soon. You know what, I think that this is going to be the start of a really good friendship.
[We cut to them both at a restraunt]
Linda: I so know what you mean. I mean Sally never really listens to me. She never let's me stay out late with my friends, even though she's always planning some kind of party with hers! It is so unfair! But you don't do things like that Mr. Snuggles. In fact, let's go hang out right now!
[We cut to them at the roller park, Mr. Snuggles has face planted on the ground in the middle of the rink]
Linda: Don't worry Mr. Snuggles you'll get it eventually! You just gotta stay balanced. Once you do that roller blading is easy!
[We cut to them at the movies. Linda is looking intently at the screen eating popcorn. The camera cuts to Mr. Snuggles' blank stare. Linda suddenly looks offended]
Linda: D-did you? Did you just spoil the movie? That is so not cool!
[The bear looks back blankly]
Linda: Oh, so that's what you think of me, huh? Well you know what, it's over! We are done!
[Linda angrily storms out of the theater. The scene cuts at home to Linda flipping through television channels. The camera pans to the channels. They're all static. Suddenly there's a knock on the door. Linda opens it, looks around and then looks down at Mr. Snuggles holding flowers and a box of chocolates.]
Linda: Sorry Mr. Snuggles, it doesn't work that way. You screwed up, we're done.
[Linda slams the door, and we got a prolonged shot of Mr. Snuggles' blank expression]
[We cut to sometime later when there's another knock on the door. Linda angrily opens it and shoves a piece of paper at the bear]
Linda: This is a restraining order. It means that you can't keep coming around here! So please, get out of my life!
[Linda is jolted from her sleep when there's another knock on the door. She groggily walks to the door to find Mr. Snuggles outside, still with that same blank expression]
Linda: Look, if you don't get out of here right now I am calling the police!
[Linda slams the door in the bear's face and goes to sleep. She awakens in the middle of the night to find the bear on her chest. She screams and flings it to the wall. Then she proceeds to beat it up. Soon it is a pile of fluff. She takes a piece of paper off of her dresser and begins to read it under a lamp]
Linda: Let's see here... clean the house top to bottom, write a new song, beat Sally's high score, go insane. Check and check
[She crosses it off her list]
Linda: I am so friggin bored right now. Seriously, where did everyone go!?
[We cut to a bunch of people at a birthday party, like the entirety of Summerway is there]
Sally: You did tell Linda that her surprise party was here, right?
Timmy: Why would I do that? It's a "surprise" party, duh!
Sally: Oh yeah... well I'm sure she'll find her way here sooner or later.
[Timmy and Robert are outside at night, gazing up at the stars]
Timmy: Wow Robbie, you were right, this telescope was a great idea!
Robert: Totally. And if the internet was right, there should be a meteor shower
Timmy: What's a meteor shower?
Robert: Well it's basically when a bunch of meteors fly past earth and it looks like a bunch of shooting stars. Kind of like that!
[The meteor shower starts and the two of them look on in awe]
Timmy: What do you think are the chances of one of them crashing down here on earth?
Robert: Not much, since they're too far out of the earth's atmosphere
[A meteor crashes right in front of them]
Timmy: And that's why kids are in charge
[He runs towards the meteor]
Robert: Timmy don't touch that thing! You don't know where it's been!
[Timmy turns around]
Timmy: Duh, it's been in space. Besides, how can I put this in my room if I can't touch it?
[The camera cuts to Robert]
Robert: But that thing could be radioactive or something!
[Timmy walks by carrying it]
Timmy: Seems fine to me. Now help me get this thing in my room.
Robert: What are you doing!? We've got to tell somebody about this thing!
[The camera is only showing the meteor, being held out of Robert's site. It's starting to glow green]
Timmy: Oh I plan to. I'm gonna tell all of my friends about this. It looks really cool now that it's glowing green.
Robert: It's doing what now?
[He peeks over Timmy's shoulder and the meteor turns back into a dull grey color. The camera focuses on the meteor as the scene changes into Sally & Timmy's bedroom. Sally & Timmy are both in their pajamas; it's clearly late.]
Sally: Why do you think I want a giant space rock in my bedroom!?
Timmy: Because it....
[He turns off the light and the meteor starts glowing again]
Timmy: Glows in the dark!
Sally: Woah! That is so cool!
Timmy: Robbie doesn't think so. He thinks that it's like full of aliens or something.
Sally: [In disbelief] But that would make it even COOLER!
Timmy: That's what I told him, but you know grown-ups. They don't think anything's cool.
[They go to bed and we're left with the meteor's eerie glow. Time transitions to morning when the meteor stops glowing. Timmy hops out of the bed.]
Timmy: Oh come on, the meteor stopped glowing!
[Sally enters the room dressed strangely. She is dressed rather fancily and everything is in order, nothing is missmatched. She also speak with a creepy monotone]
Sally: That is strange.
Timmy: S-sally, are you feeling okay?
Sally: Afirmative. I am feeling "okay." It is time for the morning meal. Report to the kitchen.
Timmy: Um... I'm not hungry. I think I'm just going to go to work.
[Sally grabs him]
Sally: Invalid response. Breakfast time is now.
[She starts pushing Timmy out of the bedroom]
Timmy: Okay! Okay! I'm going!
[We cut to the breakfast table where there a glowing pancakes]
Timmy: S-sally? Why are these pancakes glowing?
Sally: I have added a secret ingredient. It should be to your pleasure.
[Robert and Linda enter the kitchen and sit down. They're about to eat the pancakes]
Timmy: No guys don't eat the pancakes!
Robert: Why not? They look fine to me.
Sally: Yes Timmy, why not? Pancakes are good.
Timmy: I... um... prefer waffles.
Sally: I do not have access to this knowledge.
[We cut to see Linda eating the pancakes]
Linda: Wow, these are really good! Robbie you've got to try them!
Timmy: Please... please don't.
[Robert mockingly eats them. Both Linda and Robert start coughing. Timmy gets out of his chair]
Timmy: I—I'm still not hungry. I need to get to work! I'm late! Bye!
[Timmy runs off]
Linda: [Coughing occasionally] The objective has left the house.
Sally: Affirmative. The target can run, but the mission will be complete. It is only a matter of time.
[We cut to Lemonade Land, where Timmy is panicking to Steve]
Timmy: Y-you should have seen them! They were acting all freaky! And like... aliens!
Steve: As believable as that sounds...
[They're interrupted by the sound of the entry bell ringing. It's Sally, walking mechanically.]
Sally: Greetings residents of Lemonade Land.
Steve: Oh hey Sally, what's up?
[Sally looks directly up]
Sally: The ceiling is "up."
Steve: Ugh, that joke gets me every time. So what brings you here?
Sally: I wish to speak to my brother in private.
[Timmy whites out. He runs to the back, and starts fiddling with the back emergency exit. Sally is speaking from the next room]
Sally: Timmy return! This is important to the mission!
[Timmy flings open the door to find Robert & Linda]
Robert & Linda: Join us Timmy!
[They both grab Timmy]
Timmy: No! No! Let me go or else you're grounded!
Robert: Releasing you would endanger the mission Timmy.
Linda: We cannot endanger the mission Timmy.
Steve: We cannot endanger the mission Timmy.
[We see that Steve & Sally have entered the kitchen]
Timmy: No! Not you too! I warned you!
Sally: Affirmative. Assure he won't warn anyone else.
[We cut to Timmy tied to a chair]
Timmy: What do you guys want? To rule the world?
Timmy: Stop saying that word! It's getting annoying!
[Sally enters the darkened room]
Sally: It's time to eat the pancakes. Their core temperature is dropping.
Timmy: I'm not going to eat them!
Sally: You don't have a choice.
[She starts pushing some pancakes on a fork towards him]
Sally: Initiate tickling now.
Timmy: What? No!
[Steve starts tickling him, causing him to open his mouth]
Timmy: No! I won't join you!
[The fork comes closer, building up tension when a DVD case drops. Timmy looks at it through the laughter]
Timmy: Alien Invasion from Outer Space? The latest science fiction movie!
Sally: Okay I can't hold it in anymore, we got you good Timmy!
[Robert, Steve, & Linda start laughing too]
Timmy: You... pranked me!?
Steve: And we got you good too!
Timmy: Why would you do that!?
Robert: Well, that's what happens when you bring strange rocks into your room. Maybe next time there really will be an alien invasion!
Timmy: I... suppose you're right. Can... you guys please untie me now?
Timmy: I'm serious. Steve almost made me pee my pants.
[We cut to sometime later, at night. Linda is on her cell phone]
Linda: Planet Xatu, the mission has failed.
[Her eyes pulsate green]